Ak agak lelah sama spirit yang senang menjatuhkan orang lain... I know ,banyak orang kaya gt karena mereka sendiri butuh sekali pertolongan.. tapi terkadang cape sekali, I felt like always fighting for something is actually my right... 

aniway... aku selalu merasa, menulis itu benar2 membantu diriku meluruskan pikiranku yang terkadang seperti benang kusut di kepala. Tidak ada arahan, dan yang terasa hanya yang buruk buruk saja.. 

Menulis itu memberikan aku ruang untuk menumpahkan apa yang sebenarnya REAL di kepala ku. apa yang sebenarnya ada di dalam isi hatiku.. dan ga tercampur suara suara di luar sana yang membisik kan aku.. 

Aku sering lelah secara mental.. butuh sangat waktu untuk sendirian.. menikmati hariku.. pikiranku.. kesukaanku.. dan apa yang aku mau... 

aku rindu melancong, semenjak menikah, aku sulit melancong sembarangan seperti dahulu. apalagi nanti saat aku punya anak.. pasti hidupku penuh dengan aturan waktu disiplin dan tanggung jawab.. tapi itulah hidup.. tanpa aku menikah,dulu aku selalu merasa ada yang kurang.. kalau anak, aku memang mau walau aku takut akan tanggung jawabnya.. belum lagi anak ku juga punya suamiku, aku ga bisa semau mau ku, harus selalu acc suami ku juga to.. 

well, aku puas menumpahkan isi kepalaku hari ini... 

apakah ada yang baca? kalo baca, boleh komen? haha

1st peter 2

I am very impressed by this chapter in the bible... it talks alot about most difficult part of me to implement in my life... when i read this, 1

So get rid of all evil and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.

2

And yearn like newborn infants for pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up to salvation,

I realized how toxic is my heart without the Lord. I dont know how i inherit those toxicity, i have seen so many kind non-malicious people, non slanderous, true and non envy people... even some of them are non christian, how am I still like this? therefore i am yearning for pure spiritual milk... needing of it so badly in my life.. begging the Lord please nurture me like a baby, i dont know this kind of heart still lives in me . 

**********

ending of the chapter, I found The Lord is speaking to me.. I found myself been so mean to people whose words are mean to me, and i tend to hurt people for my own benefit sake, for a few times.. and ive been living with that kind of regret.. on the other hand, i also left a lot of people who once being mean to me. I talk back being mean to them and look down on them... how i felt so regretful.. 

I dont know, but there are some kind of people that i just CANT get along, i just cant blend, i just dont get their heart.. i dont find them being kind or whatever... well.. i should just follow christ like ... He is amazing ... He bore my sins, in His body, didnt retaliate anything.. how i wish I can be just like HIm .

22

He committed no sin nor was deceit found in his mouth.

23

When he was maligned, he did not answer back; when he suffered, he threatened no retaliation, but committed himself to God who judges justly.

24

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we may cease from sinning and live for righteousness. By his wounds you were healed.